Dorms, Degrees and Doubts

That warm August night, I led my dorky little cabin of campers around Camp Carmel for a small scavenger hunt. We were following the "Jesus fish" symbols posted all around the small camp circle. Each station had some encouraging activity and brought our small group of girls together, reminding us of our lessons throughout the week and setting that familiar deep mood in our hearts. The last few fish led us into the woods, over a small bridge and some mud into a clearing we called Vespers Grove. The trees and the dense layer of ferns hid the outside world, so we could only focus on the glowing fire and our thoughts as we walked into the circle and sat on the logs. We silently waited for the rest of our camp family. When the others arrived, the preacher stood and began to pace around the fire, creating a powerful silhouette. After a minute, he began to speak. He spoke of God's love and what he has done for us. He spoke of our failures. He spoke of living a life for Christ. Finally, he asked us to stand if we wanted to do a better job of living for Jesus. Feeling a warm glow in my chest flare up, my legs straightened and I stood without hesitation, alone and vulnerable. I was a counselor, I had already given my life to Christ years ago, and I was supposed to have my life together. Yet, I stood, knowing that as good as I was, I wasn't living the way I should be. I wanted to change and I was not ashamed. After a moments pause, others around me, campers and counselors who were led by their hearts, began to stand, knowing that if I could, they could too.

That was this past summer at our last campfire. I have never felt closer to God than in that moment. I had gone through a horrible senior year of high school, struggling with anxiety, depression, and a load of senioritis. I was sick of many of my friends, so I avoided basically everyone. I felt alone, and I hated it. However, I had God with me, pulling me through that tough time. Even after I finally tossed up my cap and hugged my friends at my graduation ceremony, and even that summer while I was goofing around with children and surrounded by loving people, I still struggled with my anxiety and depression. I prayed to God, thanking him for the great moments he put in my life and asking for help with my struggles. That last campfire, I felt like a load had been taken off my shoulders. It was time to stop being a crybaby and to take on the world wearing God's armor. I was beyond ready for college. I would be attending Eastern University, a beautiful Christian Liberal Arts school across the state, almost 6 hours from everyone I knew (besides my nerdy, cynical brother who also goes there). I was ready for my fresh start, I was ready to meet new people, but most of all, I was ready to start to learning about and growing closer to God than ever.

I'm sure you can imagine my shock when I started attending college and realized the opposite was happening. I'm taking a class called "Faith Reason Justice" (our school motto), and my professor, Dr. Eduardo Ramirez, taught my class to question everything. Doubting your faith often seems to be frowned upon, but Eduardo encouraged it. It is necessary to doubt so that you find answers and ultimately grow stronger. I wasn't really worried though, I had already gone through a doubting phase, and I was pretty sure that by this point I had most of this faith thing figured out.

Then, in my Bible class, we have been reading through the Old Testament. Of course, being a pastor's daughter, I have heard the stories for years, but I am finding that through reading them and analyzing them deeper I was beginning to see them in a completely different light. I am questioning everything I thought I knew. Is the creation story real? Why was my loving and merciful God slaughtering entire groups of people? Why did God let the Israelites be slaves for 400 years before doing something? Is God really omniscient? Does God even exist?

I've been considering majoring in Spanish and Education, but I, like many college students, don't actually know what I'm doing with my life. I'm trying to figure out what my strengths empower me to do, as well as what the heck they are in the first place. This a time where I'm supposed to be asking God, who am I? However, because of my classes, the people around me, the different churches I've been attending, and my constantly changing worldview, I find myself for the first time, asking:

God, who are you?